unforgotten vows [tagged]

[Deleted]

@leafpool

CROWFEATHER 'Jayfeather... murdered.' His thoughts were hard to collect as he passed the camp's entrance that stormy evening. The howling of the wind left his angry muttering to fall on deaf ears, the flash of lightning casting dark shadows across his blue eyes. The thunder roared loudly in the distance, mocking him for the hundredth time since that night. But this time it was more personal, spiteful. He believed the stars were laughing at him. They had, after all, allowed his son to be murdered.  As the lightning flashed, he finally collected himself enough to push his way out of the camp, heading with purpose towards the border with Thunderclan. His steps were calculated, each movement on the soaked earth pulling him further from what he had tried to be, and closer to what he had desired all these moons. 'She hasn't even tried to seek me out...' The betrayal hang heavy in his chest, however, he knew he was also to blame. 'I may have denounced them, for both our sakes... but she should have at least tried to tell me...' His thoughts growled at him. He valued family, it was something that his mother had installed in him at an early age. However, the memory of his rejection was painted as plain as can be in his mind's eye. The range he knew they must have felt when he denounced them. His biggest regret to this day - outside of leaving Leafpool to deal with the betrayal of her clan herself. Shaking his head the tom hissed to himself in frustration - timing it just right with the thunder that roared overhead. He could feel the cold seep into his bones as he moved seemed to wander the border, unaware that he had just stumbled across the location of where his son had been murdered. It felt right, something about this spot that pulled him in and yet tried to push him away. Standing stiffly, the tom scratched at the earth, angrily wondering why he was even here - why did he bother. She would never show her face near the border.  "Leafpool!" He yowled in anger, only a little shocked that he had shouted her name into the sky between the thunder's roar. "You lied, you took my chance to know them, and now I will never know them." He hissed into the forest before him. He believed himself to be alone, and the anger rolled off him as he growled into the emptiness was almost relieving. "How could you let this happen to him. If you had only told me I could have protected him. I could have saved him!" He hissed into the air again.  "Why..." He added as the thunder rolled, the whisper escaping his lips as his anger seemed to deflate slowly. He had a thousand questions rolling through his mind. Questions he knew he should have asked her the night he had found out... not cast her aside. 'But you had Nightcloud to worry about... Breezepelt to worry about.' His face scrunched up at the thought of his pureblood son, and while he loved him - he had been born of necessary - not love.  It was then he spotted a flicker of movement from the forest before him, and he wondered for a moment if they had heard his rant. Fur bristling, the tom waited - claws sinking into the ground.

[googlefont="Lekton"][googlefont="Oswald"]

[Deleted]

[googlefont="Oswald"]

葉 ,

The first thunderstorm of the year. As lightning zapped through the sky, illuminating the trees above, Leafpool slid out of the camp at night. This wasn't the first time, nor would it be the last. With a nostalgic smile, she recalled when she and her sister would huddle in the nursery by Sandstorm's side every time thunder roared through the skies.

She used to think of it as StarClan's wrath.

The howling of the rain, the thunder, and the wind drowned out her senses. It made her feel like she could cry or shout or say whatever she wanted without any cat's overeager ears catching on. As her paws carried her toward WindClan territory, she wanted to allow herself process the tumultuous emotions. She had too much to think about these days. Starclan had wrest Jayfeather from her, just as they were starting to repair their attitude toward each other. She had lost Hollyleaf too... now Lionblaze, fiery Lionblaze was the only one she had left.

He came here often, and Leafpool knew it. There wasn't a scent she knew better and a scent she dreaded more. She usually never had the courage to greet him, of course, lest she arouse suspicions of their affair all over again. Instead, she let her pelt be soaked to the bone, soaked with the guilt that she carried. Part of Leafpool knew that he would be here tonight. After all, what better weather to rage at the world than a thunderstorm?

She let him shout obscenities at her. She let him curse her name and her Clan. Even as they split up to their respective Clans, Leafpool felt like she still wanted to be there for him. On the many nights that Crowfeather thought he was alone, she listened to his musings over the border. It brought her comfort sometimes, to know that at least, he still thought of her.

She often wondered about the father he could have been. She often wanted to regret their night together, but she could never say for certain that she did. Tonight she heard Crowfeather say Jayfeather's name, the son who had been named after him. The son who had been murdered. And suddenly, she felt like she needed him.

Leafpool stepped carefully out of the trees, walking unsteadily until she was hardly a fox-length from Crowfeather. She stared, realizing she had no plan for what to say.

As she stared at his familiar green eyes, she was unaware that she was letting an uncomfortable silence drag on. The rain and the wind filled their silence. While she stood anxiously in front of the cat whom she once promised she would run away with, Leafpool found herself tongue-tied and lost for words. How could she have dared meet him again? This felt wrong all over again. Where should she start? So much had been lost in the last... forty moons. That's right; it had been forty moons.

Finally, she managed to form only his name in a barely audible voice. She wasn't even sure her voice carried toward him through the thunder. "C-crowfeather?"

leafpool , played by io

your eyes looked like coming home

@crowfeather

[Deleted]

Leafpool...

The rain falling upon the pelts was almost a relief in that moment, it masked the tracks that had begun to form under his eyes from the tears that had fallen in his anger, in his pain. Those raw moments, something he had now only shared with two she-cats, was something he knew internally he felt great shame for. Ears flattening against his skull, he wondered if she had been finally been on her way to grace her with her presence. Deeming this a time to tell him that his son had passed. Her voice barely reached his ears, but the sound of his name dulled the anger - if only a bit - on his face.

He dared to move first, with her he always seemed to. He had been so good, so reserved with Feathertail - and he had been following Nightcloud's lead. But in her presence, he felt the urge to move - to comfort her. He knew how she felt, he had lost two kittens of his own in the early days with Nightcloud - had almost lost Breezepelt too. However as he stepped closer, his ears still pulled back in annoyance, he tried his hardest to fight the turmoil on his face. Forty moons and she still had a sway over him, and he cursed his darn heart for the way she left him drifting.

As he closed in on her, the thunder roared loudly, the flash of lightning casting shadows on his face. When the shadow lifted, his eyes were searching, for what, no one really knew - not even himself. However he felt the words bubble in his throat, his shifting of paws causing his already aggressive posture to grow more lax, but still tense. "Why?" He simply asked, not realizing for a moment that she probably did not understand his question. She couldn't have possibly heard him, could she?

"Why didn't you come to tell me what happened..." Hi voice trailed off. Crowfeather had grown up in a family loved by both his parents, even though his father had been busy most of the time. He had know he had loved him. As he stared at his former mate, the she-cat who still held his heart in her paws like sticky mud. "I cou- I should... Starclan above Leafpool I should have been there for him." He snapped, his teeth bared in pain as he stared at her.

He wanted to demand she explain herself, demand why she had kept them a secret. Perhaps if they had known who their parents were they would have all been there. He knew now, that had she told him that she was pregnant, he would have dropped everything, he would have ran to her. Starclan above - he knew Nightcloud was pregnant around that time too, he would have brought her too. 'The Purist do not deserve Nightcloud.' His afterthought was. But he knew, in those early days he had been heartbroken.

Starclan above, he had been heartbroken nearly 40 moons after the fact. Shaking his head, only a moment had passed since his declaration, but he added swiftly, "You have no idea what Windclan was - is like... I would have loved them, even if it was in secret for your sake." He felt his chest grow heavy. He would never know his son truly, perhaps he would never fully see him either when he reached the stars - if he did. Eyes closing to banish the thought of tears welling in the corners of his own eyes.

He had been a wreck, barely floating above the surface of the water for nearly 40 moons, and her, here, was beginning to bring him under.

CROWFEATHER

"@leafpool"

one word, that's all was said, something in your voice called me, caused me to turn my head. your smile just captured me, you were in my future as far as i could see and i dont know how it happened, but it happens still. you ask me if i loe you, if i always will. well, you had me fromt "hello" i felt love start to grow the moment i looked into your eyes, you won me, it was over from the start. you completely stole my heart, and now you wont let go. i never even had a chance you know. you had me from "hello"

[googlefont="Oswald"][googlefont="Raleway:100"][googlefont="Karla"]

[Deleted]

[googlefont="Oswald"]

葉 ,

Her breath caught in her throat as the black tom drew closer. A growing anxiety gnawed at her belly. At this moment, all of the world seemed to stand still as she once again met those enchanting green eyes. She had not dared speak a word to the tom for moons, fearing that someone would see them. What if someone saw them now? And to make matters worse, what if she felt the same toward him as she did forty moons ago?

He asked her why, for which she had no answer. Why would she have told him? She had thought him completely moved on, with his new mate and son in WindClan. Part of her had hoped that he would move on, so that maybe she could too.

"Why would I have?" she answered quietly, curiously, and without the intent to blame. "It was you who said you wanted nothing to do with us."

While Leafpool knew little of the ideals in WindClan, she could easily guess. ThunderClan tended to be accepting of outsiders. After all, her kittypet-father had turned out to be a renowned and well-respected leader. Blood heritage was hardly questioned, and some ThunderClan cats like herself have even forgotten a time when such a concept mattered. However, the day Crowfeather and Nightcloud became mates was also the day Leafpool realized it was one of the reasons why she would never have a place at his side.

"You wouldn't have loved them. Brambleclaw loved them more than you ever could have and ever will. And how do you know Jayfeather even wanted your love? You were his father in name only," her answer was stern and wary. But despite her harsh words, she placed one paw over Crowfeather's, an electrifying touch that she nearly regretted instantly. It had taken their blind son moons and moons to even warm up to Leafpool herself. Their kits held grudges for a long time before accepting her as their biological mother, and even then, Squirrelflight would still feel like their true mother at heart.

For your sake. Those words rang in her ears and echoed in her mind, but Leafpool shook her head. What if this was all just nostalgia and memories? Were they allowed - was she allowed - to be this close to him tonight?

"I don't want you to do things for my sake, Crowfeather," she let out a breath she had held in, and it misting in front of her. The words of his new life had never left her mind, and whatever feelings she had left, she refused to let her guard down now. "You said your mate is Nightcloud. Your son is Breezepelt."

leafpool , played by io

feeling like i've missed you all this time

@crowfeather

[Deleted]

She wasn't wrong...

His ears flatten against his skull in silent agony. How a tom could have been fooled to believe three little kittens were his own. He knew in his heart, at this moment, he would have done anything for them. The old saying was, afterall, 'you don't realize what you have until it's gone'. Teeth clenched, he wanted to snap at her when she spoke of him only being a father in name only. 

The shock that shot through him drew him out of his sour look, and his eyes blew wide for a moment. His gaze drifted down to where her paw had touched and he was at a loss of words for that moment, conflicted in how to proceed. How he had longed for her touch, and to see it still had the same affect as it had all those moons ago, caused his heart to feel heavy. 'Perhaps if I had been not as proud - I would have chosen you and Thunderclan.' He admitted. 


You said your mate is Nightcloud. Your son is Breezepelt.

He replayed those words in his head a thousand times before and now he finally closed his stormy eyes. His paw raised to maw and dragged it down the side of his face. He was growing older, she was growing older and perhaps he should have never said what he did. But all he could remember was the look of pride and happiness on his mother's face was he made that declaration. He would remember her soft words behind the scene, when he had shook in silent rage at being lied too.

'You should explain it to her, maybe Leafpool will understand.' 

Yet he took that chance away from her, like she had taken his chance of knowing these kits from birth. She could have given them to him - he would have made Nightcloud understand... she would have understood. Whiskers twitching the tom finally opened his eyes to gaze back at the she-cat, the Great Firestar's daughter, the former Medicine cat turned Warrior, Leafpool.

She was still everything he wanted and more.

"We're both heart-broken fools, ain't we Crowfeather," He meowed calmly, looking down towards the she-cat with a small smile. "Those were the first words Nightcloud said to me when I returned to Windclan and announced my loyalty to them and their bloody Blood Purity Agenda." He seemed tense, his shoulders harden as he turned to look off down the invisible border that separated them.

"She would have been mated to an older, demanding tom if I didn't return... she never loved me as a mate should, and she knew I never could have loved her. She was my rock to hold onto when the current tried to sweep me away." His whiskers twitched nervously, his eyes fluttering back to the she-cat that had captured his heart and held it for moons. "I've already hurt her to many times to count, chasing ghosts that would never look my way." 

He felt a small pang in his chest as he gazed at Leafpool. The thunder clapped around them and he finally found the courage to speak. "I didn't know then, what I know now. I hope you know that if I could do it all again I would have followed you." He felt the weight in his chest lift, only to be crushed once more by the sudden dread that filled himself. 

Whatever she had to say would come, and he would reap the pain or sorrow she brought with her words... but he managed out a quiet; "W-w-was it quick. Did our son suffer?" 

CROWFEATHER

"@leafpool "

one word, that's all was said, something in your voice called me, caused me to turn my head. your smile just captured me, you were in my future as far as i could see and i dont know how it happened, but it happens still. you ask me if i loe you, if i always will. well, you had me fromt "hello" i felt love start to grow the moment i looked into your eyes, you won me, it was over from the start. you completely stole my heart, and now you wont let go. i never even had a chance you know. you had me from "hello"

[googlefont="Oswald"][googlefont="Raleway:100"][googlefont="Karla"]

[Deleted]

[googlefont="Oswald"]

葉 ,

The sky roared around them. Lightning briefly lit up the forest, silhouetting Crowfeather’s dark frame against the moorland. This felt oddly familiar, a scene Leafpool had only dreamed of before, but now her attitude was different.

“I don’t care for what reason you mated Nightcloud. And I am beyond your explanations,” the small brown tabby’s words dripped with quiet bitterness for a moment before she returned to her level voice and gentle demeanor. She let Crowfeather finish his ramble about Nightcloud, but it only made her more distraught. So he mated with a cat out of obligation? Was the romantic, poetic tom she loved someone who could stoop that low? As far as to have a son with said mate?

And then he said...

If I could do it all again I would have followed you. Those words brought a shiver to her spine and icicles to her heart. Could their relationship have worked out? Leafpool knew they had been too young at the time. They had been far, far too closed-minded. They had let societal expectations get the better of them. It was without a doubt that, at the time, with Firestar as the leader of the Clan, ThunderClan would have accepted Crowfeather. It would be hypocritical for them not to, given that they had accepted Firestar, Graystripe, and Mille.

She could have even gone to WindClan. Her family would have resented her temporarily for it, but after forty moons, Leafpool had come to the realization that her family would always be nothing but supportive. If she had chosen Crowfeather, they would have come around with time. She had been afraid for nothing. Crowfeather, too, had been afraid for nothing. They both had been too proud. They both had been unwilling to sacrifice their careers and reputation for love.

They could have chosen each other all along. But now they were here, both loveless and grieving a son they never deserved.

“But you didn’t follow me,” she snapped suddenly. The possibility of their continued courtship forty moons ago struck her like a claw to the throat, and she could only vent it out to the tom who had started it all. “We don’t show love with words, Crowfeather. We show it with action. We loved our Clans more than each other and probably still do.”

She lost her grit at his next words. Jayfeather’s death had been the most grisly scene she had witnessed in a very, very long time. She choked unable to hold back the grief and the frustration. She had lost a son, after all. How could Crowfeather dare to suggest he felt the same?

“Suffer? If you had… if you had seen him… his throat was slashed. He bled out. Alone. It didn’t look quick, Crowfeather. It was horrible, and I can’t lie to you about that. But he’s not our son, Crowfeather. He was hardly mine in the end. He… he allowed me to be as much as an aunt… a relative... maybe a mentor he respected... but I will never... I was never a mother.”

leafpool , played by io

feeling like i've missed you all this time

@crowfeather

[Deleted]

CROWFEATHER

WARRIOR OF WINDCLAN

---

'I need to explain this to you, don't you understand - I never loved Nightcloud, I never wanted her, I wanted you?'

He knew he should have expected her anger, and when she finally exploded, he let those words wash over him. His face was no longer twisted with emotions - something he knew he should not have allowed to happen at all. However, she spoke, of how he had not followed her and he knew that at the time, he had returned to his clan because it was home. Now he knew it had been out of spite. She had chosen her clan over him before he had chosen his over her. Her statement of showing love with actions. He froze and yet he did not react.

Her stutter, her pause was enough for something in his to snap. He knew that perhaps he could never have been their father - not in this world, perhaps not even in the next life. But he knew somewhere in his heart and mind he loved them. Deep down, for they were hers - and his - but mostly hers. Closing his eyes he dared to move, his own body wanting to collapse. He almost did. His whiskers had gone limp and his on head hung before her. Remorse slipped from his every mouth as he spoke.

"He was a good kid, he's-he's safe with Starclan now." Since when did he stutter. His eyes snapped shut as he sucked in a breath of air. He knew she was right - she usually was - but a part of him wanted to fight her choice of words and deny her the pleasure of once again making a choice for him. But at the end of the day, he knew he had made a choice without her. Opening those blue eyes the tom looked at the brown tabby she-cat and took a deep breath in. He could not right that wrong, could not unwrite history... but as he stood there staring at her, he knew that he wanted to comfort her - even if she did not care for him like he did she, it was something selfish he wanted.

"Let me show you." He spoke, stepping towards Leafpool with hesitation. "May I?" He asked, his whiskers twitching as he leaned in closer. Perhaps wanting to press his nose against hers was to forward after so many moons, perhaps wanting to press his cheek against her was too. If anything, her rejection would likely drive him mad, but he would know. He was so close, and her scent sent shivers down his spine. All she needed was say the word and he'd be hers to command.

@leafpool

[Deleted]

[googlefont="Oswald"]

葉 ,

What was he supposed to say?

Not a single thing Crowfeather said could ever make her feel better about Jayfeather. Or Nightcloud. Or even Hollyleaf. Leafpool hardly processed whatever words came out of the tom’s mouth. She merely watched him, fearing the obvious decision approaching their conversation.

There were times in her life where Leafpool knew she was at the crossroads. She wished she were a mere apprentice with little responsibility or consequence to the actions she took. However, at sixty four moons old, that simply was no longer true. She had to make this decision for herself, whether she was to ignite an old flame or let it smother.

Leafpool no longer found safety in StarClan. She had once been a medicine cat and even spoken to them herself. However, she realized the dead were just as deceitful and as vague in their words as the living. Moons ago, Spottedleaf had told her to follow her heart, and where had that gotten her? She still looked to StarClan sometimes, knowing they were watching over the Clan and hoping for the best for her, but her trust in their power to create any sort of meaningful change had gone.

A growl rose in her throat, “You are a selfish, selfish tom.”

But she strode forward and pressed her cheek against his nevertheless. The warmth of his touch, although it shouldn’t have felt familiar after so long, was a feeling she instantly remembered. Leafpool had never loved another in her lifetime and was beginning to think she never would. But Crowfeather was that ex, the one who always came back to haunt her and the one who she could never turn down. It was in the way they had split; she had always felt like it wasn’t the end.

She closed her eyes as her rain-drenched fur touched his, hoping it wasn’t all just in her mind.

But Leafpool was still a fearful cat, so those few blissful moments were short-lived. She had spent moons repairing her reputation and re-establishing her place in ThunderClan. She loved her Clan, there was no doubt in that. Could she really say she loved one more than the other, this time around? So the next question was only natural, a hushed whisper spoken as she knew she had broken the warrior code again, “And what are we to do now?”

leafpool , played by io

feeling like i've missed you all this time

@leafpool

[Deleted]

CROWFEATHER

WARRIOR OF WINDCLAN

---

She growled. He was worried that he had crossed the line this time. Her words almost confirmed his worries. But she moved to meet him, and their cheeks pressed. For a moment the rain and thunder faded and all he could hear was the sound of his heart and the smell of her pelt. Like so many moons before, her presence captured him - but this time it was a physical effect. She was here, she was not a memory. 


He pushed closer, his face nestling close to her ear, almost wishing she would get closer still. Leafpool was the one that got away, the one he let leave and he had fought every urge to not run to her in the past. But here he was, finally content. His smile was weak on his face, knowing in truth that this happiness he felt was only fleeting. She spoke now, her voice a whisper against the rain. 'What are we going to do now.' He knew at the end of the day, that running away was childish. That was never an option.


"We'll figure it out, whatever we decide, I'll follow you." He mewed, his eyes closing as he drew back. Blue eyes opening, the dark-colored tom looked at Leafpool - running his eyes over her face. He leaned forward to touch his nose to hers, offering her a reassuring half-smile. Something he didn't do much of. He just enjoyed the moment with her before drawing away, his eyes turning to the sky. Morning would be coming soon, and the patrols would be coming by. 

He didn't want to say goodbye, but he knew they would need too. Perhaps they would meet again, perhaps they would work this out slowly before they had to decide. Tilting his head, he waited for Leafpool's move first.

@leafpool

[Deleted]

[googlefont="Oswald"]

葉 ,

"We'll figure it out, whatever we decide, I'll follow you."

As much as she wanted to instantly believe those words, she still remembered the last time she had. She also knew that they were not as free as when they were younger and not tied down. Crowfeather had a responsibility to WindClan, to Breezepelt and Nightcloud, even if he did not want to. She would never ask for him to turn his back on another cat for her sake.

"We should go," she whispered as the sun began to rise behind the mountains. It was a dreary morning. The sky was still pouring rain and the clouds mostly still covered the sun, but that was a good thing, really. It would hide their scents and erase the evidence that they had ever met.

She wasn't ready to face the consequences yet. She wanted to go home, think with a calmer mind over what she had just done. It wasn't too late to take back her words, or actions. What she did know was that even if she was no longer a medicine cat, StarClan was still watching. This time, their love was only slightly less forbidden. She was still being dishonest.

"Two sunrises, at the Moonpool. Same time as today," she breathed out shakily. "We must meet again."

And then she retreated, her heart in her throat and without saying good-bye, back into the ThunderClan undergrowth.

leafpool , played by io

feeling like i've missed you all this time

@crowfeather