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POSTED ON: Jan 20, 2022 11:14:20 GMT 12
 EOPLE LIKE TO TELL YOU WHAT YOU'RE GONNA BE,
IT'S NOT MY PROBLEM IF YOU DON'T SEE WHAT I SEE ❧ Her throat still hurt from screaming. Her lungs ached from inhaling water. Her paws were sore, her eyes were dry and painful from crying so much. Her ear stung painfully, but likely not as much as it should, all things considered. The glimpse she had gotten in a patch of ice showed unsettling black skin at the tip. She... didn't want to think too much about that last part. Actually, she didn't want to think about any of it.
Every time she closed her eyes, visions of Hawkstar being pulled over the ledge haunted her. She knew she should be resting in the Medicine Den, but after a brief nap in which she dreamed of drowning, the molly had quickly snuck away while Lambflower tended the sick. The silver spotted apprentice convinced herself that if she just saw Hawkstar, just to see that he was alright, she would be fine.
That was what led her to lurking outside the leader's den, waiting for the conversation inside to cease. She thought she heard her mentor speak, which was reassuring. She still needed to see him. Just to check. Once she did, she could go to the medicine den and snuggle up to her brother. Lambflower did say she needed to stay warm after all.
A few minutes passed, and she found herself shifting impatiently. Then she was pacing. Then she tried to duck her head around the corner just to get a glimpse. She couldn't see past whoever she was talking to. Instead she started pacing again. She'd just wait another minute or two. Then she could try again.
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POSTED ON: Jan 20, 2022 12:54:10 GMT 12
 the holy ghost is gone over your shoulder you'll have to watch, heaven fall into hell
the loss of a life.
it seemed so . . . routine now in wake of everything that riverclan had faced as of late. of course, there was nothing routine about a leader losing a life. in all of his moons, sagefrost had still yet to shake the unnerving feeling that rested in his stomach whenever he heard of it happening. he was a logical cat, but there was little logic to coming back from the dead. yet, for all intents and purposes, that is exactly what happened to hawkstar. eye witness accounts made it hard to question him losing his first life, but still, the large grey deputy couldn’t silence the skepticism whispering in the back of his mind. there could be a hundred explanations for what had happened, none of which leading to returning from the dead. this thought, however, he’d keep to himself.
there were other things to worry about other than hawkstar losing his first life. he had been deputy for only a few moons, and he felt as if he still had yet to find his footing. sagefrost strongly disliked having to chastise his warriors, and even more so admitting when he had messed up when it came scheduling who went on what patrol. if he hadn’t been called out, he’d have burnt out several warriors by now running them ragged. it made him look and feel foolish. it led to him leading more patrols than was optimal, but it was the least he could do for being so utterly terrible at his job.
these thoughts weighed heavily on his mind as he made his way back into the camp, a sole fish hanging from his jaws. paws sore and joints creaky from exertion, the tom dropped it on the fresh-kill pile and let out a long sigh, closing his eyes for a moment. when he opened them again, the spotted pelt of chickadeepaw was the first thing he saw. he watched her for several moments as she began to pace outside hawkstars’ den. she was the one with hawkstar before he drowned. even though the leader gave no blame to the apprentice, sagefrost had yet to pass his own judgment. perhaps, speaking with her would help make up his mind. after all, the circumstances surrounding it were questionable to say the least. steeling himself, the deputy made his way towards the apprentice.
“chickadeepaw.” he greeted, dipping his head curtly. his ochre eyes scoured her body, landing finally on the tip of her ear. pity. “shouldn’t you be resting?” the tom inquired, his ear flicking towards the voices inside hawkstar’s den. “you’ve had quite the ordeal; i’m no medicine cat, but i’m sure skulking around outside hawkstar’s den isn’t going to help your body heal.” the toms tone was calm, if a bit tired.
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POSTED ON: Jan 21, 2022 9:53:52 GMT 12
PEOPLE LIKE TO TELL YOU WHAT YOU'RE GONNA BE,
IT'S NOT MY PROBLEM IF YOU DON'T SEE WHAT I SEE ❧ "Ah! Sagefrost," She squeaked before scrambling to regain her composure, "I just wanted to speak with him briefly before I head back to the apprentice's den!"
Not entirely a lie, but certainly not the whole truth. She couldn't hold the deputy's gaze. As she looked down at her paws, her eyes started to swim with tears again. She had never been good with emotions, but this was something else entirely. She was so confused. Her body was so exhausted, and yet her mind raced, reliving and retelling. The lap of waves that once comforted her to sleep now made her nauseated to focus on.
"I.. I wanted to apologize," She told the deputy, "He died because of me. If Tinybear and Lambflower hadn't come he might have continued drowning! I.. I should've known better. He trusted me to know what I could handle, and I-"
She bit her tongue, swallowing the emotional turmoil that swam through her mind. A violent shiver ran down her spine at the thought of what would've happened if it weren't for the two cats that had come to their rescue.
"I'm sorry," She choked out as she tried to shake herself out. When she looked back up, she squared her shoulders and her tone was nearly level, "I hoped he might be done soon and wanted to wait, but I was getting antsy. I don't mean to cause anyone any more concern than I already have."
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POSTED ON: Jan 22, 2022 5:54:43 GMT 12
the holy ghost is gone over your shoulder you'll have to watch, heaven fall into hell
her small voice pulled at something deep within his chest, and though he showed no external signs of it, the tom softened. it was clear that she was battling a war within herself, that much was apparent. he stifled a sigh as she broke eye contact, a sign of … shame? sagefrost wasn’t the most intuitive when it came to his clanmates feelings, he had worked very hard to keep his own in check, that recognizing them in others sometimes proved difficult. shame though, was an emotion he was familiar with. he felt it every time he looked at wolverinefur.
“accidents happen to even the most seasoned of warriors - the blame for hawkstar’s death does not lie on your shoulders.” he responded emphatically as she cut herself off. lowering his haunches to the ground, he flicked his tail over his paws before continuing. “we do what we can as mentors to ensure our apprentices are ready, and that does involve placing trust in their abilities. hawkstar’s trust in you was not misplaced, nor was it given too freely. there isn’t a cat in the clan that could have foreseen this outcome.” pausing, he glanced towards the leader's den before fixing the apprentice with his gaze once more.
his brow furrowed in concern as she shivered. she really did need to be resting, renew her strength and let her body heal, but how well could one do so when they were blighted by guilt?
“i’m sure hawkstar will find you when he is ready, and has a chance to rest himself. i’ve never lost a life, but i can imagine it takes a toll.” sagefrosts’ stomach twisted at the thought. was it painful to die and be returned to your body? “and pacing outside hawkstar’s den isn’t going to make his conversation go any quicker.” he offered her a wry smile, and then his eyes once more landed upon her ear. “has lambflower looked at your ear yet?”
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POSTED ON: Jan 24, 2022 11:16:00 GMT 12
PEOPLE LIKE TO TELL YOU WHAT YOU'RE GONNA BE,
IT'S NOT MY PROBLEM IF YOU DON'T SEE WHAT I SEE ❧ Part of the apprentice wanted to argue with the deputy. Still, the obedience that Hawkstar had fostered won the day, and she simply offered a half hearted nod. Others were so willing to tell her that she wasn't to blame, but if it wasn't her, then why had it happened? Hawkstar? The idea that some might put the blame on her mentor put a sour taste in her mouth.
"Thank you, Sagefrost," She told him after a moment. He meant well, and what little she knew of the warrior told her that he truly believed what he said. He didn't seem the type to lie for her comfort. She didn't know how to explain this feeling, the anxiety that still bubbled in her chest, "I hoped that maybe I would feel better if I could see he was okay."
It felt strange, that so many cats were fretting over her now. Even Swanfeather and Storkstep had managed to stop their arguing long enough to near smother her with worries and affection. She was sure if they noticed her absence from the den, her parents would come running and searching for her. It was a level of attention she wasn't sure how to cope with. She wondered if her mentor felt similarly.
"Lambflower says that the spread has stopped, but where the black skin is will need to be removed if it doesn't... fall off," She explained, happy she managed to keep down her meager lunch as she did so, "Apparently I'm very lucky, as far as getting frostbite is concerned. I was told many cats have lost limbs or died."
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POSTED ON: Feb 5, 2022 9:42:37 GMT 12
the holy ghost is gone over your shoulder you'll have to watch, heaven fall into hell
seeing the bond between apprentice and mentor always amazed him. he had trained only one apprentice in his life, and he had cared for her deeply, and felt the deepest of pride the day she had gotten her warrior name. but before that, he hadn’t truly understood the bond. his experience with his own mentor had gone beyond the norm, into territory that was frowned upon by many in the clan, so it had been odd to experience the platonic mentor and apprentice relationship. hearing the way chickadeepaw spoke of hawkstar, and the desire to see for herself that she was ok, warmed him greatly. he knew that there were some in the clan who were iffy about the toms leadership, skeptical even of how he planned to lead riverclan, so knowing that his own apprentice cared this much about him, gave him hope. it would seem that hawkstar had won loyalty and friendship from the she-cat in the moons he had trained her.
“you devotion to your mentor and leader is admirable. i will see to it that you are able to see him as soon as he is ready for visitors.” he consoled, a calm smile gracing his aging maw. sagefrost hadn’t even been to see him, a realization that made his skin itch, but he knew that it was for the best. he was more than a little irate with the leader for being so careless with his life. he wanted to give him a piece of his mind, but there new working relationship was still fresh and needed to be fostered before sagefrost would feel comfortable chastising him over something like that. whiskers twitching slightly the tom nodding his head as he listened to the she-cat speak once more.
“luck definitely had a paw in it, i would say.” he agreed. he suppressed a shiver at the thought of how much worse the ordeal could have been. he could very well be sitting vigil for the young she-cat instead of having a conversation with her right now. losing the tip of her ear seemed minor in comparison. “scars tell stories of where we have been, and the battles we have won. though, i’m sure you have heard that more than once from the elders in the camp.” he chuckled softly. “it will be a grand story to tell your apprentice when the time comes. there’s always a lesson to be learned, even if it’s hard to see it at the time.”
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